To determine whether I am caring, I must not only observe what I do, feel, and intend, but I must also observe whether the other is growing as a result of what I do. This, of course, does not mean that every action of mine must result directly in its growth, as if there was a one-to-one relationship, but that my actions taken as a whole must help its growth. If there is basically no growth, then, whatever else I may be doing, I am not caring. In other words, since my actions should be guided by the direction of the other's growth and corrected by what actually goes on, if the other does, in fact, not grow, then I am not responding to its needs and I am therefore not caring.
To care for another person, in the most significant sense, is to help him grow and actualize himself. Consider, for example, a father caring for his child. He respects the child as existing in his own right and striving to grow. He feels needed by the child and helps him grow by responding to his need to grow. Caring is the antithesis of simply using the other person to satisfy one's own needs. The meaning of caring I want to suggest is not to be confused with such meanings as wishing well, liking, comforting and maintaining, or simply having an interest in what happens to another. Also, it is not an isolated feeling or a momentary relationship, nor is it simply a matter of wanting to care for some person. Caring, as helping another grow and actualize himself, is a process, a way of relating to someone that involves development, in the same way that friendship can only emerge in time through mutual trust and a deepening and qualitative transformation of the relationship. Whatever the important differences are among a parent caring for his child, a teacher caring for his pupil, a psychotherapist caring for his patient, or a husband caring for his wife, I would like to show that they all exhibit a common pattern. But besides caring for people, in this sense, we may care for many other things as well. We may care, for instance, for our "brain child" (a philosophical or an artistic idea), an ideal, or a community. And here too, whatever the important differences are between caring for a person and caring for an idea, I would like to show that there is a common pattern for helping the other grow. It is this general pattern of caring that I will describe and explore.
In the context of a man's life, caring has a way of ordering his other values and activities around it. When this ordering is comprehensive, because of the inclusiveness of his carings, there is a basic stability in his life; he is "in place" in the world, instead of being out of place, or merely drifting or endlessly seeking his place. Through caring for certain others, by serving them through caring, a man lives the meaning of his own life. In the sense in which a man can ever be said to be at home in the world, he is at home not through dominating, or explaining, or appreciating, but through caring and being cared for.
This small book deals with these two related themes: a generalized description of caring and an account of how caring can give comprehensive meaning and order to one's life. The two concepts, "caring" and being "in place," provide a fruitful way of thinking about the human condition; and, what is more important, they may help us understand our own lives better. Much that is important about man cannot be illuminated by these concepts, but I believe they help us understand something of what is most important.
- Milton Mayeroff, On Caring
