If the truth doesn't save us, what does that say about us?
- Lois McMaster Bujold
Most of the time we carry on our various relationships without following any conscious strategy - specific rules of conduct or guidelines that we think will improve the relationship. We may simply react to what others do. Or emotions may dominate logic and keep us from pursuing any strategy we might have in mind. Sometimes, however, we will be following a deliberate strategy - a theory of how to have better relations - without realizing it is a poor one.
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A prescriptive strategy: be unconditionally constructive
This is no miracle strategy that will turn criminals into trustworthy friends, business adversaries into reliable colleagues, and enemies into allies. No such strategy exists. What we offer is a framework for thinking about the problem, a general approach that seems to make sense, and some rules of thumb that may prove helpful in many situations.
In any relationship, I want to be able to take steps that will both improve our ability to work together and advance my substantive interests, whether or not you respond as I would like. In short, I am looking for guidelines I can follow that will be both good for the relationship and good for me, whether or not you follow the same guidelines. In that sense, this strategy is "unconditionally constructive."
Finally, because we will be better able to settle our differences wisely and easily if both of us approach the relationship constructively, I would like the guidelines to be good for you, too. In fact, I would like them to be the best you could follow. They should be as good for you as they are for me.
To meet these rigorous tests, the strategy cannot be as bold, trusting, and venturesome as some would like. It must be risk averse. (We, the authors, do not know with whom you, the readers, may be dealing.) In some circumstances, it will not be as quick or successful in improving a relationship as a bolder - and risker - approach might be. In baldest outline, it is as follows:
An Unconditionally Constructive Strategy
Do only things that are both good for the relationship
and good for us,
whether or not they reciprocate.
balance emotions with reason.
2. Understanding. Even if they misunderstand us,
2. Understanding. Even if they misunderstand us,
try to understand them.
3. Communication. Even if they are not listening,
3. Communication. Even if they are not listening,
consult them before deciding on matters that affect them.
4. Reliability. Even if they are trying to deceive us, neither trust them or deceive them;
4. Reliability. Even if they are trying to deceive us, neither trust them or deceive them;
be reliable.
5. Noncoercive modes of influences. Even if they are trying to coerce us, neither yield to that coercion nor try to coerce them;
5. Noncoercive modes of influences. Even if they are trying to coerce us, neither yield to that coercion nor try to coerce them;
be open to persuasion and try to persuade them.
6. Acceptance. Even if they reject us and our concerns as unworthy of their consideration,
6. Acceptance. Even if they reject us and our concerns as unworthy of their consideration,
accept them as worthy of our consideration,
care about them, and
be open to learning from them.
These guidelines are not advice on how to be "good," but rather on how to be effective. They derive from a selfish, hard-headed concern with what each of us can do, in practical terms, to make a relationship work better. The high moral content of the guidelines is a bonus. I can feel good about improving the way we deal with differences.
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You and I can pursue this strategy without risk to our substantive interests. No matter how you respond to my behavior, I will tend to be better off that if I were to pursue another strategy. And if you follow the strategy, no matter how I respond to your behavior, you will tend to be better off.
- Roger Fisher and Scott Brown, Getting Together
These guidelines are not advice on how to be "good," but rather on how to be effective. They derive from a selfish, hard-headed concern with what each of us can do, in practical terms, to make a relationship work better. The high moral content of the guidelines is a bonus. I can feel good about improving the way we deal with differences.
...
You and I can pursue this strategy without risk to our substantive interests. No matter how you respond to my behavior, I will tend to be better off that if I were to pursue another strategy. And if you follow the strategy, no matter how I respond to your behavior, you will tend to be better off.
- Roger Fisher and Scott Brown, Getting Together
